The Autism Blog

Puberty and Sexuality Education for Autistic Youth, Part 2: Resources for Understanding Privacy, Healthy Relationships, and Sexual Assault and Abuse

September 25, 2024

We asked Brett Niessen, senior health educator, University of Washington adjunct faculty and private consultant, to share his expertise and resources for helping children and youth with intellectual and developmental disabilities learn about their bodies; relationships; appropriate behaviors in private and public; and sexuality. This is part 2 of this series and addresses consent, healthy relationships and sexual assault and abuse. Part 1 is about sexual health education.

Brett Niessen: “Sexual health education can help your child stay safe, have rewarding relationships and get medical or behavioral help when they need it.”

In my last blog post, we talked about puberty, growing up, and sexual health education. Today I’m going to focus on dating, consent, and relationships, as well as sexual assault and sexual abuse.

Sex, intimacy, kissing and touching can be part of a consenting young adult’s fulfilling life. For some people, due to religion, culture, family values or personal preference, sex and intimate touching are only OK when you’re an adult or within a marriage or serious relationship. And for people who are asexual, they may never want physical contact like this, but they may still crave romantic relationships or intimate friendships. What is never OK is when sex or touching happen to people who are too young, intoxicated, mentally incapacitated, or simply don’t want it.

Sexual assault, rape, and sexual abuse are challenging topics, and they can be extra challenging when your child has autism, especially if they are non-speaking. Flirting, dating, boundaries, and consent are also challenging for most people, but they may be extra hard for autistic young adults. As parents, we want to prepare our kids for the healthy relationships they want to have, and to avoid unhealthy, nonconsenting relationships and experiences, or at least know what to do when bad things happen.

How can I help my child learn about healthy relationships?

While there are stereotypes that most people with autism prefer to be single or are asexual, research from 2017 found that 50% of autistic participants were in relationships compared to 70% of neurotypical participants. There is research evidence that lack of sexual orientation or asexuality is higher among folks with autism, but there is also a spectrum of what this means to each individual. Some may not want a sexual relationship but do want a romantic one.

For autistic young people who do want to date, there are lots of great tips out there for dating when you or your partner has autism. Talking about these strategies or doing role plays practicing talking about things like consent, taking turns in conversation, and empathizing can help prepare your child for the real thing. There is also evidence that people with autism have traits that may make them excellent romantic partners, notably honesty, reliability, and loyalty. Talk with your child about how they can focus on the positive aspects of being autistic when trying to find someone to date. There are dating coaches out there who can help teach communication etiquette and manners. Or maybe a meet-up group that shares your teen’s interests can help them find people who have things in common. Dating apps may also be a possible avenue, but young people need to know how to avoid giving out personal information or naked photos/videos or being scammed.

How can I help teach difficult concepts like consent, privacy, or setting personal boundaries and respecting those of others?

You can use social stories to help you explain difficult concepts. Follow basic plain language principles when you discuss these issues with your child. Give many examples of what consent does and does not look like such as when to ask for a hug or how to say no to one. Explain the difference between public and private dress, behaviors, and places – where it’s OK to do things of a sexual nature and where not to. You may be uncomfortable thinking about your child having romantic or sexual urges, but being able to openly discuss what’s OK and not OK in their interactions with others is important for everyone’s safety and wellbeing. Discuss interactions that might happen online as well as in person when addressing concepts like consent, privacy and respect for others’ personal space.

How can I help them stay safe from sexual assault, or support them if it happens?

Unfortunately, people with intellectual disabilities are sexually assaulted at 7 times the rate of people without disabilities. The rates are even higher for LGBTQ+ people with intellectual disabilities. Most often, it’s perpetrated by people they know well, not by strangers. Teach your child what counts as sexual assault, that it’s OK to talk about it if it happens, that it’s not their fault, and how to get help from a hospital or the police.

If you go with your child to report a sexual assault, you can help by clarifying what your child says, taking notes, and asking questions. You may need to explain your child’s communication and support needs to a police officer or healthcare worker. Tips include: say the important thing first, use simple, everyday language, and avoid euphemisms and acronyms. Try not to speak for your child, if at all possible. It may also be helpful to step out of the room, if your child is very embarrassed to discuss what happened with you present.

Where can we learn more?

Here are some great resources to learn more about how you can best support your child with autism, or if you have autism and want to get your questions answered: